Saturday, July 24, 2010

Not gonna lie. I saw last night coming. Yes, we fought again and it was awful, but there’s a difference this time. A couple of differences actually. One is that I came to a realization while I was in Kansas that I still need to change in one area. I need to value myself more.

I realized that if I can’t respect myself more than I do, there’s no way I can ever expect Ceecee to respect me the way she should in a marriage. I’ve been letting her call all the shots. When she calls, I jump. When she wants something, I get it. I don’t mind. In fact, I like doing things for her. It’s just that it’s out of
balance and I realized that I’m worth more.

That’s pretty new for me and pretty revolutionary for me to actually believe it. Part of it comes from my therapy which has really been amazing. Part of it comes from the knowing that I do have something to offer a woman. I guess the simplest way to put it is that I realized that I need to stand up and be the man that I am and Ceecee will either respond and be drawn to it, or she will reject me. Either way, I’m worth more.

The other thing is that I knew this fight would happen. I know this sounds weird, but I have been hearing God’s voice pretty clearly for a while now. Earlier this week, He told me some things that I need to say to my wife. He pretty much dictated to me exactly what to say and then He showed me that she wasn’t going to react well to it.

She’s always been that way. She doesn’t want to be confronted and doesn’t want to be made to talk about things that she doesn’t want to talk about. She gets mad and throws it back in my face, but she does think about it and usually takes it to heart.

What I’ve had to learn to live with and decide in the past is whether it’s worth it to take whatever pain is going to come to me in retribution for the hope that my words will bring about a positive effect after the first reaction has run it’s course. For the longest time, I’ve usually decided that it isn’t and just let everything go. That frustration has been one of the factors that led to the demise of our relationship.

In this case, I know the risk is great. In fact, I know I risked everything last night. I have no idea what she will do because of the things I said, but it could be beyond bad. On the other hand, it needed to be done. I needed to establish that things can’t go on like this forever and that she will need to choose at some point or I won’t always be waiting. I don’t want to face what may happen, but I’m holding on to hope that, as in the past, after the initial anger subsides, she will come to her senses.

She actually said last night that she doesn’t love me. She said it twice and it almost seemed like she was trying to convince herself of it more than she was trying to convince me. It hurt, but I don’t really think it’s true. I do think that we’re going into a dark time and I’m not looking forward to it.

I don’t know how long. I don’t know anything except that I still want her more than I want my own breath. Tonight, I’m at an outdoor concert by myself that we should be at together. It’s downtown on the square and I keep hoping that when she gets off work that she’ll show up. A part of me thinks she will and a part of me wonders if this is the first night of the rest of my life without her.

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