Saturday, July 10, 2010

Tomorrow I’m picking Ceecee up and we’re going to have tapas night at her place. I went to Spain one summer and loved the food, so since I’ve been back, I’ve learned to make all kinds of Spanish tapas. I pair them with different Sherries and we haven’t done it for quite some time. I’m so excited that I started making some of the cold stuff today so it will be ready.

Tonight she’s letting me take her to Branson to eat at Famous Dave’s on the landing. Things have gotten better again and we haven’t really talked about what happened Tuesday morning. I’m just trying to show her that I’m changing and trying to love her in the way she needs to be loved. I know I used to be too needy, so now I’m working on getting my needs met by God, so I can just give to her without needing anything back.

It’s so frustrating, though, to have so much love that I want to give and not to be able to give it. I’ve never known this kind of love, but now she doesn’t really want my love. The verses that I wrote down about love, I’m still saying every day, but now I’m turning them into a kind of a prayer and declaration of faith. I dont’ just say the verses out loud. I put our names into them and speak them out as prayers.

Yesterday, I went to my first counseling appointment. It was amazing. I spent the first 45 minutes thinking it was a total waste of time and money and the last fifteen just completely blown away. He sat at a computer and just asked me questions off a list and I didn’t get to talk about anything I wanted to talk about. He was asking me about my childhood and how I got along with my Dad and all this stuff and I was thinking that this was a stupid idea to come here. Then he just kind of connected the dots with everything I had told him and I’m pretty sure my mouth must have dropped open.

I don’t know what any of it meant, but he sure showed me a picture of myself that made me realize that I do have some issues and some things that need to change. I was pretty eager to make the next appointment and I really want to talk to Ceecee about it, but I’m afraid she’ll just think I’m trying to tell her that I have an excuse for why I was the way I was, or that I’m all fixed now because I went to counseling once. I called Joe and told him that either this guy is really good or really lucky or God just directed the whole conversation.

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