Archive for August, 2012

Saturday, July 31, 2011

I don’t even know how to write this. I did the mock triathlon this morning and it was totally amazing! I completed it, but the run was so hard. I wasn’t sure I would make it and I just started saying Ceecee’s and Jesus’ names out loud and kept taking another step. I finally got to the finish line totally exhausted, but with a satisfaction as well.

I went home and about 10 minutes later my phone rang. It was Ceecee and I’ll never forget what she said. She asked me, “Are you ready to call your landlord and give him your 30 day notice and come move in with me?” I didn’t know what else to say, so I just said, “Yes.” She asked me if I was sure and I said I had wanted this and prayed for this all along, so yes I was sure.

We got off the phone and I kind of fell backward onto my bed and I just laid there and cried for about 30 minutes. It just all came out. All the emotion and fear and struggle just poured out of me and I let it. I don’t really know exactly how long it was and I didn’t care. Then, after a while, I wanted to tell Taylor. He hadn’t come out of his bedroom and I didn’t know if he was awake or not. I knocked on his door and he answered and I told him about the phone call. A few minutes after that, Joe called. I answered and told him, “I’m crying this morning, but it’s tears of joy today.”

I had to work at Macy’s and Ceecee showed up with Angie and they both seemed so happy and excited. Ceecee and I walked off by ourselves and she kept telling me that she loved me and that she was sorry. I’ll never forget the way she looked at me.

She also said she had made some mistakes and done things she wasn’t proud of. I told her it didn’t matter and that if I had been faithful and had been the man of God that she believed me to be, that none of this ever would have happened and that she would have never been put in the position she was. I told her that I took responsibility for everything that had happened and I meant it.

I asked her how she wanted all this to work and she said that she needed a day or two to clear her head and get things ready, so she wanted me to move in on Monday. That would also give us time to figure out what would happen with Taylor. He would still have 30 days in the apartment and either he would get taken into the Air Force during that time, or we would make whatever arrangements needed to be made.

Somehow I had always believed that completing the triathlon would trigger us getting back together, but I never considered the mock tri. The real triathlon is still two weeks away. I have no idea what, if anything, me crossing that finish line this morning had to do with anything, but my faith has always been strong for this and today it has all come to fulfillment. Now to get through the next two days and our marriage starts over!

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Friday, July 30, 2010

This is an amazing time! After we bought the car yesterday, we went back to her place and ate. We talked and she really opened up about a lot of things. She said she could see that I’ve really changed. She asked me if I’m still praying and I told her, “all the time.” She said to keep doing it and to get everyone I can to pray because she really wants things to work out between us. It’s the first time she’s said anything like that up to now.

I was so freaked out, I didn’t know how to react, so I just stayed calm and told her I will. When I got home, I called Joe and told him that we have the upper hand in the spiritual battle now and let’s push through in prayer and finish this thing while we can. I’m not sure he totally understood, but he said he would. I called Adam and some others and encouraged them to pray hard as well.

I picked her up this morning to swim and then we went to a coffee shop for breakfast. When we came out to the car, she said it again. She said it will take a miracle, but she really wants things to work out for us, so please pray like never before. On her Facebook today, she wrote, “is believing that God will work all things out…”

I wanted to see her again tonight, but she said no, that I need to be home resting for the mock triathlon tomorrow. She’s right. I have to get up early and the mock tri is in Republic, so I need to leave from there in the morning.

Thursday, July 29, 2011

I had a really great workout this morning. My training group is having a mock triathlon Saturday morning where we are going to go through the entire actual course. The idea is so that we will know that we can do it. I still don’t know I can do it, but after this morning, I feel very confident. Ceecee dropped the training class and isn’t going to be in the tri.

This afternoon, she called me and asked if I would run some errands with her. While we were out, the guy from one of the car lots called and said he had a car that he thought might be what she’s looking for. We went and it was. It was a good car at a good price and she bought it. I was happy for her, but also nervous about what it implied for us. Now she won’t need rides anymore, and a lot of the times, that’s been why she calls.

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Ceecee and I went trail running this morning and then to the gym. When we got in the car afterward, she asked me if there’s anything I want for my birthday. I’ve been thinking about this for a while. My birthday is August 9th and I decided that if she never brings it up, I won’t either. There is something I want, though.

It’s just that it’s something that implies that we will be together in the future, so when she asked just out of the blue, I almost chickened out. I didn’t, though. I took the risk and answered her truthfully. I told her that what I want is for her to shop for me and find a men’s fragrance that she really likes and buy it for me.

One reason is that she bought me a Mary Kay men’s fragrance years ago and we really liked it, but it disappeared during a move and we never replaced it with anything. The other, more important reason, is that I know that if she will take the time to do this, it will help create feelings. She’s been saying that she doesn’t have the feelings for me that she did before, and I’ve learned that feelings follow actions, not vice-versa.

Anyway, she didn’t really say anything when I told her what I wanted. Not that she would or that she wouldn’t. I hope she does, because the idea is that she would be the one I would be with when I wear it.

Monday, July 26, 2010

This day was quite a surprise. I didn’t think we would see each other, but Ceecee wanted to know if I would take her to look at cars again. We did and we ran some errands. We ended up hanging out downtown and playing in the fountains at a park near the loft. She got soaked and I got a bunch of great pictures of her. Then we went for coffee and she just seemed to be really at ease and having fun. p.s. our physical relationship is all the way back on!

Sunday, July 25, 2010

If it wasn’t so pathetic, I’d have thought it was funny this morning. Ceecee called, which totally shocked me. She asked me if I wanted to go to the gym with her and take her to work. Of course I said yes. We didn’t really talk at all, so after I dropped her off at Dillard’s, I was pretty much a wreck.

I went up to two thrift stores on the north side looking for clothes for Macy’s. They have an all black dress code and I don’t have any black clothes to wear to work, so I’ve been hitting the second hand stores. Well, today I was a mess and the lady at one of the stores thought I was homeless. She asked me if I was staying anywhere and if I had a voucher.

I guess it is pretty funny, but it didn’t seem like it at the time. I told Joe on the phone and he didn’t really laugh. I don’t know if he didn’t get it or if he’s just worried about me. He said something on the phone though, that went deep into my spirit. He said “You are exactly what she needs.”

The best part about taking Ceecee to work is that I get to also pick her up afterward. I’m going to surprise her with Chinese take out, but with no expectations. Whatever happens happens. She’s been talking the last few days about maybe not going back to work at the junior high and just staying at Dillard’s. She’s really stressed out about hours.

I can’t really imagine what it will be like if school starts and we’re not together, especially if she does stay working there. I told her that I want her to still work there and that even if we’re not together that I’ll pick her up every morning and take her.

Saturday, July 24, 2010

Not gonna lie. I saw last night coming. Yes, we fought again and it was awful, but there’s a difference this time. A couple of differences actually. One is that I came to a realization while I was in Kansas that I still need to change in one area. I need to value myself more.

I realized that if I can’t respect myself more than I do, there’s no way I can ever expect Ceecee to respect me the way she should in a marriage. I’ve been letting her call all the shots. When she calls, I jump. When she wants something, I get it. I don’t mind. In fact, I like doing things for her. It’s just that it’s out of
balance and I realized that I’m worth more.

That’s pretty new for me and pretty revolutionary for me to actually believe it. Part of it comes from my therapy which has really been amazing. Part of it comes from the knowing that I do have something to offer a woman. I guess the simplest way to put it is that I realized that I need to stand up and be the man that I am and Ceecee will either respond and be drawn to it, or she will reject me. Either way, I’m worth more.

The other thing is that I knew this fight would happen. I know this sounds weird, but I have been hearing God’s voice pretty clearly for a while now. Earlier this week, He told me some things that I need to say to my wife. He pretty much dictated to me exactly what to say and then He showed me that she wasn’t going to react well to it.

She’s always been that way. She doesn’t want to be confronted and doesn’t want to be made to talk about things that she doesn’t want to talk about. She gets mad and throws it back in my face, but she does think about it and usually takes it to heart.

What I’ve had to learn to live with and decide in the past is whether it’s worth it to take whatever pain is going to come to me in retribution for the hope that my words will bring about a positive effect after the first reaction has run it’s course. For the longest time, I’ve usually decided that it isn’t and just let everything go. That frustration has been one of the factors that led to the demise of our relationship.

In this case, I know the risk is great. In fact, I know I risked everything last night. I have no idea what she will do because of the things I said, but it could be beyond bad. On the other hand, it needed to be done. I needed to establish that things can’t go on like this forever and that she will need to choose at some point or I won’t always be waiting. I don’t want to face what may happen, but I’m holding on to hope that, as in the past, after the initial anger subsides, she will come to her senses.

She actually said last night that she doesn’t love me. She said it twice and it almost seemed like she was trying to convince herself of it more than she was trying to convince me. It hurt, but I don’t really think it’s true. I do think that we’re going into a dark time and I’m not looking forward to it.

I don’t know how long. I don’t know anything except that I still want her more than I want my own breath. Tonight, I’m at an outdoor concert by myself that we should be at together. It’s downtown on the square and I keep hoping that when she gets off work that she’ll show up. A part of me thinks she will and a part of me wonders if this is the first night of the rest of my life without her.